I encountered this Atlantic article this week, dubbing the time we’re living in the “Anti Social Century.”
A quick summary: Americans are spending more time alone than ever before. On-demand and straight-to-your-door services like video streaming platforms and Amazon, DoorDash, Grubhub, etc., make it so that we don’t really need to leave the house for entertainment, food, basic necessities. Add that to the rise of remote work, and we’re quickly becoming a culture of “remote life.” This is all pretty disastrous for our health because we are biologically social animals who thrive on connection.
Culturally, we are beginning to opt for solitude because it’s easier. There’s less resistance to overcome. The outside world is complex, loud, unpredictable, and inconvenient. But just because falling into a particular pattern of behavior is easy, absolutely does not correlate to it being rewarding, interesting, fulfilling, or an indicator that it will bring us meaningful joy.
Because of this increasing predilection for aloneness, people are less likely to be going out on dates than ever before. And our ability to order things exactly like we want, when we want, is also making us far pickier when it comes to who we’re even willing to meet.
Dating to find a partner, as a practice, a process, and an art of socializing, has nothing in common with selecting what show you might be watching on a given night, or deciding what lamp to put in your living room. Any and every person you sit down with might change your life or perspective in any number of ways. You might find yourself in a conversation with someone where you really disagree about something important to you, and you can’t just exit the video screen or send them back in a box.
You’re co-creating the experience. They are real, and a member of your community. And committing to creating a harmonious and enriching experience with people is what the fabric of society is made of. You will likely find yourself on a date with someone who is less than perfect in your eyes. And that’s ok. I think it’s important to explore the possibility that being challenged, within reason, is a positive thing. Diversity makes life interesting. And a conversation where there’s disagreement is an opportunity for understanding, compassion, and ultimately more love. Fully participating and choosing to value another person for their inherent humanity is part of the act of loving.
I want to offer the possibility that the next time you find yourself one-on-one with someone who maybe isn’t the one, that you might still consider how they fit into your life and the understanding of the world. Every person is a doorway to a whole network, a whole wealth of experiences that you can learn from and explore. I think it’s important that we make the effort to resist the temptation of falling into patterns of solitude because our curated environments and technologies make life frictionless. In fact, friction is often a requirement for a spark.
Alexa Cassill
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